Coping: The Right Way

Coping

We all do things to ease the pain. Whether it's eating an entire box of Cheez-Its after a hard breakup or canceling plans you made months ago because you’re afraid of having a panic attack. It sucks to experience difficult situations, and it’s natural to want to erase the emotions that go with them.

The idea of coping refers to utilizing different skills or behaviors that reduce unwanted emotions, such as sadness, anxiety, guilt, or anger. To an extent, we all use coping mechanisms. Maybe you even relate to the examples that were used previously. With this in mind, it is important to differentiate between good and bad coping.

Taking the Pain Away

I have seen many examples of negative coping mechanisms. I have worked with many people who experience eating disorders, drug/alcohol addiction, and domestic abuse relationships, where coping is part of their experience and their reason to seek help and recovery. Someone with anorexia may restrict their caloric intake to gain authority over their body. Addicts often start abusing drugs when they lose parts of their life, such as a family member, their job, or legal freedom. Individuals who are experiencing toxic relationships may avoid and ignore the harmful symptoms of abuse, telling themselves that what they have is normal or what they deserve. These may seem like extreme examples, but there is a lot of connection between all negative coping behaviors. Unhealthy coping can also be more simple. Other common examples include:

• Over or under eating

• High screen use

• Isolation and avoidance

• Self-harm

• Porn and sex addiction

• Excessive sleep

• Bullying, passive-aggression, or defensiveness

The goal of negative coping is to simply take the pain away. Why deal with the bad feelings when I can simply numb my mind and body? In the beginning, using these coping mechanisms may seem to give you power over your mind and an easy way out. But your life can quickly spiral and lead to more difficulties. This loss of control can make it harder to find a solution. It can also make reaching out for support a nearly impossible task. But don’t let this make you lose hope. There is always room for growth!

Acceptance

The first step of healing is accepting that bad things happen and that difficult emotions are natural and inevitable. This can be really hard, especially if you have been avoiding these emotions for a long time through some form of coping. Allowing yourself to become a victim to these feelings for a short time can be therapeutic and it is important to become truly in control. Once you have accepted this for yourself, it may be helpful to talk to a loved one and find support. If you are especially deep in a hole of coping, you may need assistance to dig yourself out so that you are able to start fresh.

So what after this? I’ve accepted my situation, but now I’m just sad and vulnerable. How do I get better? I wish there was a simple fix that could heal pains of the mind. But getting better takes time, practice, and patience. It is important to remember that even if you make a mistake or have a bad day, you do not need to fall into your bad habits. I hate the term “one step forward and two steps back,” because it completely undermines the idea of progress. Going backwards is okay, as long as you're putting in effort and growing.

So how do you grow? While it is important to avoid negative coping, there can be positive coping. Once you have checked acceptance off the list of to-dos, you can use techniques to help improve your mood and mentality. Journaling, drawing, going on a walk, talking to a close friend, or going to therapy can all be beneficial. Another positive skill is focusing on your breathing. In my current job, I teach teens to regulate their body and mind through biofeedback (which refers to using a tool that presents information about a bodily function to train the individual to regulate that part of their body). One of these biofeedback techniques is referred to as HRV breathing, in which you breathe in at the same pace you breathe out. Try breathing in for 4 seconds and breathing out for 4 seconds. This healthy coping technique helps take you out of a fight, flight, or freeze and back into a more relaxed mindset by smoothing out your heart rate. Some things may work for you and some might not, which is okay! Explore what feels beneficial and be willing to ask for guidance.

Mindfulness and moderation are important to note when using positive coping skills. Any behavior can turn unhealthy when used to avoid hard times, in contrast to accepting them. I hope that you are able to use these skills to your benefit and they can improve your mind and body. We are always here for you and I have enjoyed sharing skills that have helped me through difficult times.